Arrested Passions

She stared at the ceiling above, the intermittent spurts of white and bluish light cast a ghostly pallor on the painting of Bob Marley, it seemed as if he was looking down on them, his grave look casting a sudden heaviness in the room, which it lacked.. She smiled at it. She looked down, feeling her head automatically swing to the starting tune of a song by her favorite performer, the instrument dominating the tune was a mouth-organ.. Ah! the bliss of running one's lips along the cold metal, blowing in your breath and the sound that it produces! It has always effortlessly made her giggle since when she was child.. She turned towards the platform.. swirling around in her movable high stool.. she felt a bit dizzy..


People thronged around the platform to see the person who was singing, some even dancing a little to the beats, there was palpable excitement around, the one that is felt just before a song is about to climax, that anticipated moment, when everyone can join in, singing the chorus knowing all the lyrics, rather than just humming.. She could see the fingers of the performer, strumming the guitar as if he was stroking it gently, she could not help but tap her fingers against the glass she was holding..



He started off with the chorus, the crowd which was bubbling with easy tension, finally let the bubble burst.. they all sang along, some exchanging smiles, some discreet glances at someone or the other, as if the lyrics and the music replaced conversations.. they said it all.. She joined in too.. The performer had this glorious smile on him as he looked on at the effect he was creating around, the drummer behind him, almost starting to bang his head vigorously, as for her, she felt all of it.. the song, the sight, the ambiance .. wash through her, giving her goosebumps and tingling her finger tips as it ran along and left her edges.. She sat bewitched!



She wondered the answer to why she sneaked through her schedule every month at least once to visit this place. Was it the interior of the place that encompassed one with essence of "breaking free"? the carefully chosen paintings, the subtle yet loud lightning? was it the lovely music? or was it the crowd, at sync, resonating off security? Her phone buzzed, breaking off her reverie..



"Its late, come home.. Its just one day in what seems like ages that you are not slogging over-time, yet you manage to disappear..", he paused. She knew the deep baritone voice, but she did not recognize the question in them, neither the taunt. "I will be there.. Sorry..", she said apologetically and waited a few seconds for some response, but all she met with was the clicking of the phone on the other side.. standing up she straightened her trousers, she was in her work clothes, a little out of place, she headed towards the door.. She cast one last glance at the crowd near the platform, it has changed in number a bit, but the energy prevailed, she released a deep sigh opening the door..



As she drove back, she kept having flashbacks of filled auditoriums, the lights, the loud music.. the hands up in the air in approval, the earnest voices demanding for more, the stage shivering in the fervent frenzy and the eyes that always edged her on..


 Reaching home, she parked her car, before getting out, she opened her wallet, to take out an ocean blue guitar pick.. it was her favorite, it had "Carpe Diem" engraved on it in black italicized font, there was a time when she earnestly believed in it.. Oh.. she was young then..





P.S. The setting of the post is vaguely inspired by a video that I came across a few months back.

Like Heaven and Hell..

 Like the mellow sun on a winter morning

Like the fierce fire crackling in a hearth

Like the soft breath of a sleeping baby

Like the storm raging within me!

Like the faint whisper of a flowing stream

Like the deafening roar of thunder
Like the lazy pace of a growing bud
Like the haste of my heart!

Like the height of a towering mountain
Like the depth of the abyssal sea
Like the brightness in your grin
Like the darkness in me!

Like the faith in a place of worship
Like the question in a curious mind
Like the calm in your reassuring gaze
Like the chaos building inside me!

Like the hope in a flickering lamp
Like the despair in a mother's loss
Like the promise of the dying sun
Like your presence around me!

A place called 'Here'

The sapphire martini stood in contrast with the pearl wall behind it. She picked it up, her fingers lightly feeling the cool glass underneath. Leaning out of the balcony, she let the moist wind beat against her face. November Rain. A sudden chill crept up on her, making her  cringe a little, but she did not mind it. Looking out to the vast expanse of deliquescent city lights in front of her, she could not help but feel miniature and more lost. Filled with sudden urgency to shift her concentration she lifted up her wrist to note the time, it was past midnight. Late.. Again.. There were deep lines on her forehead now, he had promised to be here by now.

A pair of warm hands sneaked up her waist, and almost made her shriek. She soon recognized their owner though, smiling brightly, she snuggled against the hard support behind her. She felt his stubble graze against her shoulder. Here is where she belonged. She found home at-last! 

She was jolted back to reality by the blinding light that split open the dark sky in front of her spreading a purplish hue all over, it was bewitching. She realized how cold she was. Closing the balcony door she now sat on her chair, placing the glass on it carelessly. She was worried, worried about herself now. Too lost, isn't she? She felt like being amazed a bit too, she chucked to herself, remembering one of her favorite lines,
"Of course it is happening inside your head, but why on earth should that mean that it's not real?"
Looking around she spotted a hard-bound book with the name of its publishers gleaming across the dim room. She walked towards it, opened it, and ran her fingers through the words written on the first page in decent cursive handwriting,

"Hoping to meet you soon.."

Leafing through the pages, she arrived at the one which she loved the most, the words printed echoed her mind,

“Sometimes, people can go missing right before our very eyes. Sometimes, people discover you, even though they've been looking at you all the entire time. Sometimes, we lose sight of ourselves when we’re not paying enough attention.

We all get lost once in a while, sometimes by choice, sometimes due to forces beyond our control. When we learn what it is our soul needs to learn, the path presents itself. Sometimes we see the way out but wonder further and deeper despite ourselves; the fear, the anger or the sadness preventing us returning. Sometimes we prefer to be lost and wandering, sometimes it’s easier. Sometimes we find our own way out. But regardless, always, we are found.”

The last line filled her with nourishing hope..

Raw Innocence

She opened her bag to take out her umbrella, thanking her lucky stars that she was carrying one. It was raining very heavily, quite unnatural to the place where she lives where monsoons generally tend to exist only in the pages of geography books or scripts of news-reporters. She shivered as the cold air laden with rain drops gushed past her. She already felt the urge to cup the sides of a hot coffee mug. I will make the evening up to it, she promised to the weather, smiling at nowhere.

She plugged in her earphones, perfect opportunity to drown herself in songs from her "Rain" playlist, and also that she was walking alone, it served a greater purpose. Finally, she set out from under the shed where had taken refuge for a while as the light drizzle had changed into enormous drops falling with so much intensity that it almost hurt to stand under them. She was unknowingly singing the song that was playing in her playlist quite loudly, the rain drowned her voice quite effectively. She released a deep sigh after the completion of her favorite lines.

She looked up to find a girl smiling at her. She was drenched from head to toe, her hair all messed up, falling half on her face,  she was shivering like anything. But it was the smile that caught her attention, it was almost the same smile that her seven year old sister had given her after successfully spelling out B-A-S-K-E-T-B-A-L-L, one that was printed on the mini ball that she gifted her this summer and this made her suddenly miss her sister very much, remembering the times when she used to enjoy getting drenched on their roof with her sister in her lap, ignoring the perpetual shouts from their mother downstairs.

She was jolted back to reality when a streak of lightning split open the sky in front of her turning the grey hue around into an amazing purple followed by a deafening thunder. She realized that she had stopped walking. She noticed the girl was still looking at her still, almost amused. She took off her earphones, thinking maybe she was one of those people whom she knows but can't point out their name or how she knows them at the moment. Then she realized that this was the same girl who some of her friends had conveniently named "weirdo".. "freak" based on very little interaction they had with her. She asked her whether she would like to share her umbrella, she happily came under it.

As they started walking towards their hostel, she asked the girl general questions, some she answered with overflowing excitement, some with pursed lips and some with animated gestures. She was more and more reminded of her sister now. From the little conversation they could have while walking towards the hostel, she came to know her name, the place she belonged to, that she was a fresher, and didn't have many friends yet.. As they reached the gate, the girl ran out of the umbrella, looking back with a grateful grin.

As she entered her room and put her bag down, she could not shake off the worry that engulfed her now, worry for a mere stranger. She felt angry towards the parents of the girls who had sent her to the hostel, could they not see that she was too naive to live in one, did they not know how other students might make fun of her innocence (like her own friends had done), take advantage of her gullibility or did they want her to learn things alone? But would she be able to cope up? She stood in front of her window, it was still raining heavily, she thought of her baby sister, imagined her getting drenched in a heavy rain somewhere when she had forgotten to carry her umbrella, would there be anyone to provide her with one, she felt a lump in her throat.

She tried to change her course of thoughts, she had promised herself that she would spend the evening well, she could not ruin it worrying about things that were not in her control. She sat on her window sill with the unfinished novel that was reaching its climax now.. but all she could remember was that innocent smile.. so pure.. so innocent!

Are you afraid of the dark?

It was all dark and swampy. She could hear her ragged breathing echo against the walls of the tunnel, the sound of her footsteps reverberated throughout.  Her body was numb! She could feel it tense even more, as if preparing to put in more.. to run faster, but she knew.. it did not really matter. It was closing in, the time has come...

She woke up in cold sweat on her bed. Clutching her bed sheet, she tried to stop from shivering, she realized that she had goose-bumps all over. She sat up after a while. Her room was shrouded in darkness, the only thing that she could make out was the pattern of the grills of her window that the moonlight had carved in the wall opposite, it was strangely distinct and resolute considering the moon outside which was dull and almost hidden behind clouds. A slight breeze made the pattern waver.Some clouds might have passed across the moon.She noticed that the lights were out, probably a power-cut or something, the expressway that overlooked her window was pitch black except few appearances of one or two vehicles hurrying away. She checked her cell phone for the time.. It was 3:30..

It was all very very silent, she could hear every breath she took, even almost the thud of her heartbeats. Though sound, sight every kind of sense was overridden by her sense of fear. She had never felt so scared.. She did not know what to do, whether to run with all her might or whether not to budge even an inch. She gulped noisily, adding to her discomfort, because she realized that she was thirsty and that she needs to go out to get water. The situation was getting really uncomfortable.

She decided to stay put, to divert herself with something else. Running her hands through her bed-sheet tentatively she decided to get hold of her phone so that she could listen to some music. She found her phone at last, plugging in the the headphones she went to her playlist and played a DJ mix, at-least that would be loud enough to deafen her from the sounds outside and since the song was really remixed in a night-club or something, bouts of hooting at regular interim made her less aware of the fact that she was all alone.

As she settled against her pillow, in a half-lying position, something very very strange happened, the pigeon which perpetually lives outside her window was looking at her, with a unfaltering and unnerving gaze and weirdly it was not seeing through her, it was looking at her, as if it had been suddenly endowed with human intelligence. It took every ounce of her courage to get up and go towards the window and try to shoo it away but it did not move a bit, rather one can say settled down more comfortably on the sill. She was almost on the verge of collapsing.

Suddenly the pitch-black expressway outside was again filled with lights from the lamp post and just a second later her room lit up brightly and the fan started rotating noisily. She heaved a sigh of relief, the room which minutes back was closing in on her, now looked very much familiar and welcoming. But she still did not have courage to go out and bring water. To hell with water she though, she might as well die of thirst. Lowering herself on her bed, she tried not to remember the nightmare that triggered her fear.. but her ragged breathing, footsteps on a wet-surface, the feeling of suffocation just at the altar of collapsing, and the fact that she felt really really exhausted, like one feels after running for a good length, did worsen matters. It had all felt so real. She could not shake it away. Closing her eyes tightly now, she clutched her sides and with all her might tried to go back to sleep again..

Sip of Summer

She sat there, sipping her glass of soft drink. It is always blissful to sit in the park after a sultry day as this, and sip your drink, cherishing every drop of it, enjoying that sweet little moment as each cool drop trickles down your throat, Ah! Heaven. The sun was almost below the horizon, giving a orange-yellowish hue to the sky as if it has been set ablaze. She felt the evening breeze ruffle her hair, helping the unruly strands out of the tight bun that had taken a whole ten minutes in the morning, so much to keep your hair up! The drink was almost over and she felt like having one more, She was really getting addicted to cola, it has become her staple diet. She leaned back against the bench, adjusting her glasses which were in a perpetual effort to slide down her nose, all thanks to the humidity! She crossed her legs carefully taking care not to crumple her trousers.

Sitting in a grey tailored-suit, perfectly polished ballerina shoes, a wrist watch with a royal dial and with a brooding gaze to nowhere, she did attract one or two curious looks. She was unaware of the questioning eyes though, engrossed in watching the remnants of the sun dip down the horizon. She has always been intrigued by sunrises and sunsets, she loved watching one. The buzz of her phone brought her back from the reverie. She unlocked it, to find a message from her network provider about some cheap night-calls scheme that they have now, she deleted it without a second look, and checked the time. It has been twenty minutes since she has been sitting there, gosh, time does fly!

It is Saturday today, with loads of deadlines to meet, this week has been maddeningly hectic and exhausting for her, but fruitful too. Yes things did tend to go down the wire, nevertheless she has managed effectively to hold things together and she feels satiated now. Its weekend now, the easiest and toughest part of the week. Easiest because she is absolutely free, and toughest because she can never choose what to do with her free time. Earlier it used to be hanging out with people or sleeping all day, but both have lost their charm, as sleep eludes her these days and which 'people' to hang out with, is a different issue altogether. She doesn't want to wake up on one more Sunday with no clue whatsoever about the day, its so very frustrating!

She thought about her college days, when weekends used to mean sleeping like there is no tomorrow, then going out and wandering around aimlessly, over eating junk and a ritual-getting caught at the campus gates for being behind in-time! Sigh! Now there is no in-time, she can stay out as much late into the night as she wants to but that doesn't make her feel exhilarated anymore.

Her pocket buzzed again, it was Ma making her ritual call, questioning about her health and whereabouts. She answered all her questions patiently, keeping them as brief as possible. Disconnecting the call when her mom was done talking, she noticed the time, it was getting darker around, she should probably leave for home now. She got up from the bench dusting her pants.

Tempest

I have seen the tempests, when the scolding winds

Have rived the knotty oaks, and I have seen

The ambitious ocean swell and rage and foam,

To be exalted with the threatening clouds:

But never till tonight, never till now

Did I go through a tempest dropping fire.

                                                      - Julius Caesar (Act 1, Scene 3).

                                                                   ~ William Shakespeare.

She loved the monsoons, their erratic behavior. Sitting on the sill of her large bay windows that overlooked the sea, she noticed the dark clouds that loomed over the sky giving the impression of the incessant downpour that was in store for the city. One can easily imagine sounds of hasty feet on the pavement, impatient honking of cars at the signal, everyone hurrying back to the safe confines of their homes before the storm starts raging.

She was brought back from her reverie by the clattering of the window panes. She had still kept them open just so that she would not be cut off from the earthy smell when the first spell of rain would hit the thirsty ground. She cupped the sides of her coffee mug to prevent the chill from seeping in. This is such a perfect weather to have coffee and read all night, only if she was in the mood to. Her mind was soaked in such constant inner dilemma, it almost seemed that the weather was reflecting her feelings.

Lightning cracked through the night sky, followed by thunder which made the windows resonate, as if  they shivered in their powerful presence. She shuddered. Then their was complete silence.Silence which was deafening. This was all so very tranquilizing yet so very unnerving! She was in no control of her thoughts, they were running wild, out of bounds, too fast for her to really have any recollections of what she was thinking. She blinked her eyes several times to break the chain of her thoughts, and was quite successful in doing so.

She started humming her favorite tune. The clouds burst open  letting out a spell of torrential rain,  drowning her voice,sprinkling her face with droplets, soothing her nerves. She suddenly felt her thoughts culminate to a conclusion, as she knew exactly where her thought processes were heading and they did reach their destination. She felt at peace now. She let the rain wet her, soak her to the core.

Its everything I want, and everything I don't

She was 'trying' to eat, and that was a grave insult to the restaurant which was one of her absolute favorites; once when she was sleeping after a tiresome day that promised a dreamless night, she had a vivid dream about sitting in the same restaurant and having the time of her life with her friends. That was a month back and 1500 miles away. Here she was, as if having a deja-vu, sitting in the same cabin that she had imagined, the same people, but she was finding it difficult to eat.

She knew the reason perfectly well, that food had nothing to do with it, it was sumptuous. She felt her skin flushing in the cold wintry day, the jumper was too much to bear, a bead of sweat did wait to break in the corner of her forehead, everything seemed to pass by in a state of blur. There was infectious laughter all around,  but none of it touched her, yes she had that constant smile pestered on her face, the one she had managed to conjure over the months. Every muscle in her body was tensed, she could not move an inch, if she did, hell will break loose.

She felt his eyes on her, but she did not dare look that way, she did have a glance or two through the corner of her eyes but did not help matters much rather than making them worse. She wondered whether he knew how much he affected her. After all these years, it has always been him, only he can make her feel so alive and dead simultaneously, or rather he did evoke a whirlwind of emotions, so strong and so volatile that one can't actually express them well with any form of communication. She looked up in his direction, his eyes bore into her,she could not take it anymore, with a little made-up excuse she left the table.

It had been a perfect evening, it was nostalgic as well, it was always good to be with people you have grown up with. Its astonishing, how the group hits it every-time as if they meet everyday, every conversation had flavors of subtle humor, childish pet names and warmth. Everyone parted with smile in their faces and unsaid vows to meet again.

Now as she was heading back home, a stark realization dawned upon her because of the amount of rush in the metro and the language in which the announcements were being made. This is was all a vivid dream, a tale being told by a grandmother to her grandchildren that made them feel secure and happy. But sooner or later one has to revert back to reality, not that she did not like reality but it did lack the security, the touch and the warmth. This does have tempting claws that lures her to be in this world which was almost the same as reality just a thin transparent veil separating them, so transparent that one almost finds it hard to make out the difference.

She was brought back from her reverie by the sudden halt of the metro, she still had four stations to go, she plucked in her headphones and turned up the song which she has been listening to all through the day, now she realizes why, it was almost an echo of her jumbled mind.She smiled to herself.

"Its everything you wanted, and everything don't,

  Its one door swinging open, and one door swinging closed

 Some prayers find and answer

 Some prayers never know

 We're holding on and letting go."

     .

Lemon Grass

I felt the familiar smell whisk past me, I inhaled a deep breath to grasp the maximum of it. I continued writing in my notebook, pretending to maintain my composure, though it was deeply shaken. Deep unrest settled upon me. I did not feel like doing what I was supposed to, though only a few minutes back I was concentrating on it, as if on the brink of a huge discovery.

It was a beautiful autumn day outside, sunlight with the perfect blend of warmth and intensity filled inside the classroom. I felt light-headed, still heady from the smell ,I knew exactly where it came from, looking up in that direction was not a good idea, I know, but it was hard to resist, almost involuntary, and voila! there he was, making some animated conversations with his friends. His skin glistened from the reflection of the window panes, hair all messed up giving him that 'bad boy' look that I so loved on him.

Feeling my eyes on him, he darted his towards mine and grinned broadly, it lighted up the classroom even more. He came towards me, walking with a lazy grace, I could so feel my heart beat increasing with every step.
"You were so busy concentrating on Chemistry, that I did not feel like disturbing you.", he chuckled, teasing me, making me go all red. That made him chuckle harder. He took his seat beside me as the teacher ordered the class to settle down. Taking out his notebook and pen, he sat staring at the board, lips pursed in concentration, eyebrows raising in response to any unanswered query that might have popped up in his head. He made a delightful picture.

All I could still thing was the smell which filled my senses now, taking over me, it was very hard to define it, it contained the freshness of freshly cut lemon and the peculiar smell of grass after the first spell of rain that has been through a hot summer. It made me feel alive, alert, aware of myself.

The ring of the bell jolted me back to reality, I found him staring at me, "You look lost, what are you thinking about?", he inquired.

"Lemon grass", was all I could muster.





P.S. Thanks to The Undying Enigma a.k.a Pravesh Parekh for the title.

The Feverish Awakening

She was laughing, showcasing her perfect white teeth, I could feel my world illuminate, warmth seeping down my veins in this chilly day, I can spend hours and watch her laugh, hear the laughter reverberating in her throat gently, then wide out in the open, giving the feeling that the world was a good place to live in, and then she vanished,into the air, 'and what seemed corporal melted as breathe into the wind',as if 'the earth hath bubbles and she was one of them' gone was the laughter, the sound of it,gone was she, I shivered...

I opened my eyes tentatively, to prevent them squirming from the bright sunlight only to realize that I was not in my room. The reason being, my room was always shrouded in darkness, with two ventilator type windows that open to a hostel corridor, it is always difficult to say whether it is day or night in my room, it was the perfect place to do the thing I loved the most, Sleeping.

I tried to recollect where I was, I got my answer instantly when I heard the voices, chirping away in glory, making plans to go out somewhere. Everything was still foggy, what was I doing here, and as I thought over it, the previous day's events came tumbling down to me. Instantly I felt tears pricking my eyes, is this reality or was I still in midst of my worst nightmare. Little was the difference between  reality and my worst nightmare, I dared to crack a joke knowing it was cracking all of me.I don't want to wake up.

I want to sleep forever.