Its everything I want, and everything I don't

She was 'trying' to eat, and that was a grave insult to the restaurant which was one of her absolute favorites; once when she was sleeping after a tiresome day that promised a dreamless night, she had a vivid dream about sitting in the same restaurant and having the time of her life with her friends. That was a month back and 1500 miles away. Here she was, as if having a deja-vu, sitting in the same cabin that she had imagined, the same people, but she was finding it difficult to eat.

She knew the reason perfectly well, that food had nothing to do with it, it was sumptuous. She felt her skin flushing in the cold wintry day, the jumper was too much to bear, a bead of sweat did wait to break in the corner of her forehead, everything seemed to pass by in a state of blur. There was infectious laughter all around,  but none of it touched her, yes she had that constant smile pestered on her face, the one she had managed to conjure over the months. Every muscle in her body was tensed, she could not move an inch, if she did, hell will break loose.

She felt his eyes on her, but she did not dare look that way, she did have a glance or two through the corner of her eyes but did not help matters much rather than making them worse. She wondered whether he knew how much he affected her. After all these years, it has always been him, only he can make her feel so alive and dead simultaneously, or rather he did evoke a whirlwind of emotions, so strong and so volatile that one can't actually express them well with any form of communication. She looked up in his direction, his eyes bore into her,she could not take it anymore, with a little made-up excuse she left the table.

It had been a perfect evening, it was nostalgic as well, it was always good to be with people you have grown up with. Its astonishing, how the group hits it every-time as if they meet everyday, every conversation had flavors of subtle humor, childish pet names and warmth. Everyone parted with smile in their faces and unsaid vows to meet again.

Now as she was heading back home, a stark realization dawned upon her because of the amount of rush in the metro and the language in which the announcements were being made. This is was all a vivid dream, a tale being told by a grandmother to her grandchildren that made them feel secure and happy. But sooner or later one has to revert back to reality, not that she did not like reality but it did lack the security, the touch and the warmth. This does have tempting claws that lures her to be in this world which was almost the same as reality just a thin transparent veil separating them, so transparent that one almost finds it hard to make out the difference.

She was brought back from her reverie by the sudden halt of the metro, she still had four stations to go, she plucked in her headphones and turned up the song which she has been listening to all through the day, now she realizes why, it was almost an echo of her jumbled mind.She smiled to herself.

"Its everything you wanted, and everything don't,

  Its one door swinging open, and one door swinging closed

 Some prayers find and answer

 Some prayers never know

 We're holding on and letting go."

     .

Lemon Grass

I felt the familiar smell whisk past me, I inhaled a deep breath to grasp the maximum of it. I continued writing in my notebook, pretending to maintain my composure, though it was deeply shaken. Deep unrest settled upon me. I did not feel like doing what I was supposed to, though only a few minutes back I was concentrating on it, as if on the brink of a huge discovery.

It was a beautiful autumn day outside, sunlight with the perfect blend of warmth and intensity filled inside the classroom. I felt light-headed, still heady from the smell ,I knew exactly where it came from, looking up in that direction was not a good idea, I know, but it was hard to resist, almost involuntary, and voila! there he was, making some animated conversations with his friends. His skin glistened from the reflection of the window panes, hair all messed up giving him that 'bad boy' look that I so loved on him.

Feeling my eyes on him, he darted his towards mine and grinned broadly, it lighted up the classroom even more. He came towards me, walking with a lazy grace, I could so feel my heart beat increasing with every step.
"You were so busy concentrating on Chemistry, that I did not feel like disturbing you.", he chuckled, teasing me, making me go all red. That made him chuckle harder. He took his seat beside me as the teacher ordered the class to settle down. Taking out his notebook and pen, he sat staring at the board, lips pursed in concentration, eyebrows raising in response to any unanswered query that might have popped up in his head. He made a delightful picture.

All I could still thing was the smell which filled my senses now, taking over me, it was very hard to define it, it contained the freshness of freshly cut lemon and the peculiar smell of grass after the first spell of rain that has been through a hot summer. It made me feel alive, alert, aware of myself.

The ring of the bell jolted me back to reality, I found him staring at me, "You look lost, what are you thinking about?", he inquired.

"Lemon grass", was all I could muster.





P.S. Thanks to The Undying Enigma a.k.a Pravesh Parekh for the title.

The Feverish Awakening

She was laughing, showcasing her perfect white teeth, I could feel my world illuminate, warmth seeping down my veins in this chilly day, I can spend hours and watch her laugh, hear the laughter reverberating in her throat gently, then wide out in the open, giving the feeling that the world was a good place to live in, and then she vanished,into the air, 'and what seemed corporal melted as breathe into the wind',as if 'the earth hath bubbles and she was one of them' gone was the laughter, the sound of it,gone was she, I shivered...

I opened my eyes tentatively, to prevent them squirming from the bright sunlight only to realize that I was not in my room. The reason being, my room was always shrouded in darkness, with two ventilator type windows that open to a hostel corridor, it is always difficult to say whether it is day or night in my room, it was the perfect place to do the thing I loved the most, Sleeping.

I tried to recollect where I was, I got my answer instantly when I heard the voices, chirping away in glory, making plans to go out somewhere. Everything was still foggy, what was I doing here, and as I thought over it, the previous day's events came tumbling down to me. Instantly I felt tears pricking my eyes, is this reality or was I still in midst of my worst nightmare. Little was the difference between  reality and my worst nightmare, I dared to crack a joke knowing it was cracking all of me.I don't want to wake up.

I want to sleep forever.