We could have had it all..

We were walking along the beach, I sang out loud, with Aparajita tightly clasping her tiny hand around mine as she looked up in wonder. I looked down still continuing with the song, couldn't help but smile a bit when I saw my daughter, her olive skin glistening under the warm sun, her big black eyes giving off earnestness I could not imagine in a five year old, her lips trying to mouth some of the lyrics, she was somewhat a bit breathless from both walking and trying to sing at the same time.

"Do you want to sit down?", I said with the voice that I reserved only for her.

I could see the rapid change in her expressions from disappointment to relief. Aparajita nodded her head in affirmation, but something in her eyes said that she did want to walk a bit more, yet she sat down pulling me beside her. The waves crashed a few inches away from us, so close, that shift of sand could be felt. She clutched my arm now. I wrapped one arm around her, pulling her closer as we sat there staring at the horizon. I could feel her warmth seeping through me, her baby scent still hasn't worn off I realized yet again, I almost felt calmness course through me.

"Are you angry?", came a muffled voice. 

I smiled a bit, the question was imminent, I knew it. She looked up now, her eyes uncertain now. God! She is so expressive, I thought. I kissed her on both of her cheeks and said "Not at all,cupcake. Why do you think I am?". She was delighted, she loved being called cupcake, it was her favorite dessert. Her body eased a bit against me. "I could not walk for long, I had promised the last time that I would try to walk the entire length of the beach", she said looking down, halting between words, in a voice that could melt my heart. 

I picked her up now placed her on my lap, placing  my chin on her head, I spoke into her hair. "I can never be angry with you honey". She snuggled against me, humming the tune of the song I was singing a while back flawlessly. I felt my eyes moisten with pride, could not help myself but grip her tightly.

"Mamma?", she said cutting off the tune abruptly. I knew that voice of hers. A bit of curiosity with a tinge bit of fear too. She did want to ask something which she thinks she is not supposed to. "Yes?", I said trying my best to make her feel comfortable, because knowing her, it doesn't take her long to curb into that shell of her's.

"When I told my friends about our holiday, they all made fun of me and called me a liar. Who will carry your luggage, and Who will talk to the hotel people, they had joked, You don't even have a Daddy!", her voice cracked with the last word. She turned around now and flung her arms around my neck. I patted her back trying to control tears from straining my own face. I have to be strong, for her.

I have always known that it would be very difficult for Aparajita to grow up without a father. But at times as these I find myself at a loss of words over what to say to her that can console her little heart. I finally spoke up, "Come on Darling, you know they were just trying to pull your leg, Mamma can do all those stuff, right?"

She looked up, her eyes red now, I felt as if someone has just stabbed my heart. I wiped off her cheeks and kissed them again. She managed a smile, "Yes you can", she hugged me again, this time, tighter. I ran my fingers through her hair. How can I explain things to her, that I had no control over all this, that I could not keep that person in our lives when he himself did not want to, when he himself chose to walk away, that I never knew what went wrong. Maybe one day she will understand, maybe one day she will..